Dear Madam, by Paul Soita
Over the past few months, some members of opposition have crucified me for what they term as ‘controversial’ views; saying that I have been receiving Kshs. 100,000 monthly from you… I would like to claim the money now; during Eid, Mwanasiti, my new catch from Dargube took abaya from someone’s shop on loan and is breathing like a blowdry in my inbox demanding that I pay for it… she has told me if I don’t give her the money by end of next week she will close for me the Strait of Hormuz permanently…
Opposition claim that they have Mpesa Statements from Safaricom and bank statements and NIS reports supporting the same… see, they’re very serious these ones… more than FBI, CIA, NIS, MI6, CNN..etc.
But this has caused me great reputational damage.
They have even suggested that you bought me a Samsung S25 Ultra, something that has greatly pained some of them. They only want me to use Mkopa Tecno phones like some of your tolwa boys for them to be happy. They’re wondering why a small boy like me has such a phone, but me I can’t use Tecno, that phone is for Gen Z…Mwanasiti is also using Tecno of Mkopa, she usually texts “My simu yafungwa” every day in the evening hours, for her, I only pay Ksh. 83 daily when she is coming to visit me on Saturday afternoon.
But others said that your money has enabled me to aquire a new wife and have been very curious why I buy my wife new clothes…according to some, I cannot get a beautiful wife without money… they think I don’t have lines…ati me, I don’t have lines…they don’t know that me I am bad (mimi ni mbaya), the only girls I fear are those who come from Likoni, they like eating fare…
But big more (kubwa zaidi) They said that me and you meet and talk constantly on phone…they’re not joking these ones, they have call log evidence, their IT Experts even hacked satellite networks using triangulation method and are said to have discovered our meeting location, their level of precision can only be compared to an Arsenal fan looking for where to buy an Arsenal jersey…until they were shown bad things by PSG last night.
They don’t believe that a small boy like me can do small hustle and earn something small small for myself and my wives.
Therefore, I am requesting you to kindly send me the Kshs. 600,000 they have claimed you have been sending me for the last six months or so…I want to buy Iphone I show them that as a Man U supporter, kiburi is my middle name… Please retrieve my number from your call log and send the amount, don’t forget, 600k, I will send some of them something small small they also use to chase girls from Tiwi and Golini, especially Golini, they should not go to ukunda, those ones from ukunda also eat fare a lot…and if you’re not careful, a boda boda might hit for you…and not eggs.
I look forward to receiving the money soonest possible.
Kind regards.
Paul Soita.
